How to Be a Better Conversation Partner
A guide for people who feel like they’re missing something
Do you notice that after you speak, there is often an awkward lull in the conversation? Do you want to get to know the people around you better but aren’t sure how? Does it feel like everyone else knows something that you don’t?
You are probably a bad conversation partner. Don’t worry, you aren’t alone. Despite being a staple of human interaction, it seems like most of us aren’t very good at having conversations.
What’s worse, even if you know you have poor skills in this area, it can be hard to identify what you’re doing wrong. I have laid out what I see as the three most important rules for having a good conversation.
1. Ask other people questions
The sort of response you have to what the other person is saying will determine the quality of conversation you’re able to have.
You’ve probably heard that having a good conversation is like a game of catch. You throw someone the ball, they throw it back. But it’s more than that; conversation is not just waiting for the other person to stop talking so that you can chime in. The sort of response you have to what the other person is saying will determine the quality of conversation you’re able to have.
Support versus switch response
In his book The Pursuit of Attention, Charles Derber coined the term ‘Conversational Narcissist’ to describe people’s tendencies to always bring the conversation back to themselves. We do this through something called a ‘shift’ response.
A shift response is a response which switches the conversational topic back to yourself, rather than developing a topic introduced by your conversation partner. For example:
Friend: I went on a great walk this morning.
You: That’s cool. I’m going on a bike ride after work.
Or:
Friend: I’m really enjoying the new book I just started.
You: I haven’t been reading much lately.
In both these examples, you are technically following the ‘game of catch’ metaphor. Your friend spoke, and then you added your contribution. However, it’s hard to imagine how your response deepens the conversation or moves it forward at all. Rather than engaging with what your friend was sharing, you changed the subject so that you were the focus. This not only makes for an awkward, stilted conversation, you’ve also boxed in your conversational partner. They now either have to choose between ignoring your response to continue with their idea or instead ask you a question to learn more about you.
We can contrast switch responses with ‘support’ responses. In a support response, rather than changing the subject, you instead develop the idea introduced by the other person. For example:
Friend: I went on a great walk this morning.
You: Cool, where did you go?
Or:
Friend: I’m really enjoying the new book I just started.
You: What’s it about?
This creates a natural path forward, allowing your friend to provide more details and for you to get to know them a little better.
There is a third type of response to be wary of, the ‘faux support’ response. This is a switch response hiding under the guise of a support response. This happens when you don’t change the subject introduced by your conversation partner, but you immediately relate the subject to yourself. For example:
Friend: I just started watching The Office.
You: I can’t stand shows like that; they make me cringe.
While you did build on the topic introduced by your friend, you’ve immediately made yourself the relevant subject. Now your friend has to either move past your response to share their own feelings about The Office or instead build on the topic of your feelings about cringe comedy.
A more fluid conversation might go like this:
Friend: I just started watching The Office.
You: What do you think?
Friend: I like it so far! I am only a few episodes in.
You: That’s cool. Do you like the style?
Friend: Yeah, I love mockumentaries. What about you?
You: I can’t stand them. The cringe makes me so uncomfortable.
See above that by giving your friend the space to share, the conversation transitions more naturally between discussing their feelings and discussing your own.
I have shared the concept of support versus switch responses in the past with people who felt frustrated by their own conversation skills. I heard several common objections that I would like to address here.
“I find small talk boring.”
A friend once told me that he never knew what to say when he met new people. I told him to just ask them questions about themselves. He wasn’t satisfied with this response because he said he wasn’t interested in small talk.
Polite conversation is a part of life. You are going to meet new co-workers, friends of friends, all sorts of strangers. It’s unlikely that you will have profound and satisfying conversations with all of them. But asking them questions about themselves and focusing on support rather than switch responses is likely to result in fewer awkward silences and a better first impression.
Keep in mind that you are a participant in this conversation, not just a spectator! If you don’t want to have boring conversations, ask good, thought-provoking questions.
“I wanna talk about my thing.”
Another friend of mine said that he finds this hard to do in practice because he would just so much rather talk about his thing, his books, his life, his interests. He said he sometimes finds it almost even physically painful when the conversation shifts away from topics he’s interested in.
If you feel this way, I would ask yourself, ‘what’s the purpose of this conversation?’. If it’s just for you to get to talk about things that you like, that’s fine, but I hope you can understand why that is not usually fun for the people around you. You have to make a trade-off here between your feelings and the satisfaction of your conversation partner. That might be a trade you’re willing to make with a stranger. Still, with closer connections, an approach like this will wear your relationships away over time. If you are looking to deepen your connections, you will need to actively work on not constantly switching the conversation back to your interests.
2. Care about what people are saying to you
However, to be a great conversation partner requires a little more of you. You have to actually care about what people are saying to you.
The first step in this journey is listening to the people around you, asking them questions, and being mindful of the frequency with which you switch the focus onto yourself. Some people stop here and are okay conversationalists. However, to be a great conversation partner requires a little more of you. You have to actually care about what people are saying to you.
I used to sit next to this woman in University. I would see her twice a week, and every time she would ask me how my weekend was or what I was planning for the upcoming weekend. I appreciated that she always asked me about myself, but it was clear that when I spoke to her, she didn’t care. It was like she had satisfied her duty to engage and then tuned out.
When you don’t care about what the person you’re speaking to has to say, they can tell. They will disengage. They will be less likely to want to converse with you in the future.
When you convey interest, people appreciate it. Moreover, when you actively listen to your conversation partner, you will be more engaged mentally with what they are saying. This will allow you to ask better, more thought-provoking questions.
This can be a tough rule to apply if you are not speaking to an interesting person or the conversation subject is not interesting to you. In this situation, it is up to you to make a decision about the value of this relationship. If this is someone you care about, it is worthwhile to care, even if it takes extra energy.
Over time, this will become easier.
3. Participate in the conversation
It’s not a good conversation unless both parties are sharing ideas and experiences.
In rule 1. I told you to talk less, and in rule 2. I told you to listen more. But of course, it’s not a good conversation unless both parties are sharing ideas and experiences. A conversation where you give only switch responses is likely to be just as unsatisfying for you and your partner as one where you give only support responses.
While your conversation partner will initially appreciate the space to talk, they will become bored over time. Most of us don’t want to talk to a mirror all day. To build your relationships and have good conversations, you have to be willing to participate.
Talking about ourselves can be just as difficult for some people as not talking about ourselves can be for others. I personally find it hard to open up to friends about my feelings or subjects I care about. However, I have to be aware that my conversational ‘selflessness’ is a barrier to deepening my friendships.
So how to balance your support and switch responses? How can you tell when to talk and when to listen? Unfortunately, this is harder for some to get right than others. If you’re someone who feels comforted by models and rigid guidelines, I would say aim for roughly 70% support responses and 30% switch responses. This comes with the understanding that we likely underestimate the amount of space we are taking up in a conversation. And so the natural balance will probably be closer to 50–50.
Another rule of thumb that might help you is to challenge yourself to ask your conversation partner at least two questions before you allow yourself to switch the topic. For example:
Friend: I went on a great walk this morning.
You: Cool, where did you go?
Friend: I walked down the river past that bar, then looped up and around by all those pretty houses.
You: How was the weather?
Friend: It was perfect, not too hot or too cold.
You: That’s great. I’m planning on going biking this afternoon.
Friend: Right on! Do you have a road bike or a mountain bike?
And so on.
By following these three simple rules:
- Ask other people questions
- Care about what people are saying to you
- Participate in the conversation
You will have higher quality conversations and be a more engaging conversation partner.
